I’m Watching the Game. Don’t Talk to Me.
Super Bowl LI is set. New England versus Atlanta. Supermarkets stack soda cases in football-themed pyramids; the aisle endcaps overflow with chips, dips and salsa; the display refrigerators are stuffed with hot wings, veggie trays and endless ...
The Singles’ Table and Other Awkward Wedding Moments
While I am no longer single I spent many years attending weddings solo. Many were great. Many were not, including, without exception, every wedding where I was forced to sit at the singles’ table. Why are guests separated into two categori...
Halloween in Summer and Christmas in the Fall
I hate it. It’s August and Halloween decorations have been out since July. By the time I feel like I’m ready for the Halloween spirit there won’t be any decorations left as the stores move the Halloween items – now 50% on sale – to one ...
Paper Shredder
When you spend a good part of your life travelling you become protective of your personal space. I was on my way home after one very busy work trip. It was one of those weeks where I was working non-stop fourteen hours a day, the type of day ...
You’re Sick. Please Stay Home.
You’re Sick. Please Stay Home.
You have a cold (or flu, or Ebola, or insert any communicable disease here) but you don’t stay home because you don’t think you’re really sick, or you don’t want to stay home because you’ve convinced ...
Overspray
It happened again this morning. Driving to work my windshield was covered by the wiper overspray of the dirty car in front of me. My car was clean. Now it’s covered in a million brown spots of dirty water that have danced along either side of my ...
Finger Licking
My mother was the drill sergeant of manners. I never had a meal without a napkin on my lap. I never put my elbows on the table. I never chewed with my mouth open (“You’re chewing like a cow!”). I never said “Yeah”, “Huh?”, or “What...
Not on the Plane, Please
You can’t control if you have gas (for the most part) but you can control where you let it out. Why do people think that it’s okay to expel gas on the airplane? It’s not fair to the rest of us: held captive by the noxious fumes, tense and ...
Please Don’t Put Your Suitcase There
Why do people put their nasty, dirty, grime-encrusted suitcase on my beautiful clean bed spread? Oh – that’s not you? You have a fancy suitcase that you take very good care of? Guess what – it’s dirty. Let’s go through a highly likely ...
Gum
It’s annoying to step on gum, but it's much more annoying to step on gum in the middle of a really hot day when you just had your car mats cleaned and didn't realize you stepped on the gooey mess until you got home, walked through gravel, and saw ...
Silent but Deadly
I am sure this has happened to you: you step into an empty elevator and smell a lingering fart. Disgusted, you enter, press the button for the twenty-first floor, and hold your breath. Then the elevator slows at floor twelve. Praying the stink has ...
Coffee Dump
Why do people expect someone else to clean up their mess? Years ago a friend was smoking on my back porch. When he finished he flipped his cigarette onto the sidewalk. I asked him to get it and he said no, that we pay people to pick up our garbage, ...
Sidewalk Oysters
Yes. I’m talking about spit. It’s gross. And it happens publicly all the time. I really wish people would stop.
I played sports most of my younger years and for athletes spitting is routine. Usually the spitting occurs on the field, ...
Space Invaders
Why do people crowd you while you’re waiting in line? When you’re at the amusement park and the approximate waiting time is forty-five minutes, standing within an inch of the person in front of you doesn’t make the line go faster...